The Flack


About the Contributors

Ares Mars

Born about 6000 years ago, around the time Creationism tells us the Earth and Universe were made, Ares is just one offspring resulting from Zeus’s extensive philandering – in this instance to the Queen of the Gods, Hera.

Ares is a disputed member of the 12 Olympians who conquered the Titans under Zeus’s leadership before going on to establish the modern Olympic Games. They also set in train a range of cultural practices that led to the modern Eurozone crisis. He was hated by all other gods, except the super-hot Aphrodite, with whom he was once caught in flagrante delicto.

Throughout history, fellow God of War Athena was viewed as a well respected protector of cities and strategic genius. Ares is not. He is regarded as a bit player in history whose underwhelming acts are variously either overshadowed by the deeds of other gods, or punctuated by bouts of extreme violence and bloodshed.

After thousands of years of disputed residence in the Pantheon of Gods, Ares followed the example of many Greeks emigrating to Australia and took up residence in a small row cottage in North Melbourne. He lives with an Anglo wife who does not cook and a son who does not look Greek. He changed football teams in adulthood, doesn’t know what Apple TV is and plays suburban hockey to a mediocre standard. Follow him on Twitter @AresMars111

 

“Sugarfoot” Jack Franklin

“Sugarfoot” Jack Franklin was literally born into the square circle when his then heavily pregnant mother refused to leave a particularly vicious bout in Jimmy Sharman’s tent, out the back of Burke, a fight known in boxing circles as, “The labour in Australia.” Franklin attacks the keyboard with the same pugilistic attitude he brings to the sweet science. He is an occasional writer for Beat Magazine and all round bon vivant.

You can follow him on Twitter @SugarfootJack.

 

Jonty

Jonty is largely misunderstood. His abiding commitment to the truth has seen him accused of everything from panhandling to low level vigilantism.

He was born in a dirt floor shack at the height of disco. In accordance with Wildog tradition, at eleven months Jonty was left on a remote hillside with just a terry towelling jumpsuit, size five cricket bat and a bucket of dry ice. He emerged from the wilderness a towering 168cm, immediately imposing himself on a range of sporting arenas and rural dance floors. There, he won fame displaying the casual excellence many mistake for mild autism.

Jonty attended the University of the Latrine Valley, majoring in English literature, drunken rhetoric and cage fighting. Upon graduation, he served overseas with the Australian Cultural Expeditionary Force (ACEF), completing tours in global hotspots such as Bratislava and West Virginia

On return, Jonty devoted himself to helping people move house and consulting for the ‘Masturbate for Peace’ movement. In 2009, after losing everything in a failed line of kosher pork products, he took to the Balcony of Freedom with friend and Wildog compatriot, Prefontaine.

Jonty lives above a coin laundry with a troupe of performing ferrets who spend much of the year touring. He watches a lot of sport and has no known surname – a privilege usually reserved for people of higher status.

Follow him on Twitter @jontyponder

 

Mina Durack

Wilhemina (Mina) Durack was born in Lithgow, NSW to Henry and Shirley who, in the absence of sons, forced her into the family business.

She became an apprentice blacksmith at the age of 15 but her true passion was Cheese Rolling at which she longed to turn professional.She trained secretly in the Blue Mountains.

Despite her parents entering her in the Lithgow St George’s Day International Jousting Tournament, she ran away to Gloucester, England where she entered The Cooper’s Hill Cheese-Rolling and Wake, coming twelfth in 1995 and third in 1996.

She struggled to break into the cheese rolling speakers’ circuit and eventually resettled in Fitzroy, Melbourne where she lives with her husband Fred, offering a boutique cheese advisory service.

She collects vintage swimsuits and is an avid swimmer and online shopper. Follow Mina on Twitter @stopitiloveit

 

Montgomery Chevalier

As a teenager Montgomery was rescued from a refugee camp on the outskirts of the town of Owerri in the aftermath of the Biafran War (his father had been aide-de-camp to the leader of the Biafran forces, the inspiration for the Frederick Fortsyth novel The Dogs of War, General Chukwuemeka Odumegwu Ojukwu).

His deliverance was facilitated by the maid to a reasonably unintelligent KGB sponsored Belarusian investment banker named Kirill who was looking to start, ultimately unsuccessfully, a high tech synthetic industry in Nigeria.

He made his way to Melbourne after studying only six months of a Business Ethics Degree at the Kyungpook National University in South Korea. The circumstances of his departure, whilst well publicised at the time, are not something Montgomery has ever discussed publicly and much mystery still surrounds the current location of the Golden Tiger.

Upon arrival it did not take long for Montgomery to find his way. Shunning job offers in more traditional industries, he made a fortune writing books for children featuring a likeable, though somewhat dour, bandicoot and speculating on the Brazilian Real.

Whilst his appreciation of Rugby Union has grown over the years, the rules that govern the game remain a mystery.

Prefontaine.

Prefontaine was raised by immigrant parents among the rolling green hills of Wildog Country. His parents struggled with English… both the language and people.

He spent childhood summers lying on concrete at the Warragul outdoor swimming pool, dreaming of Mallory Keaton from Family Ties. These are often considered his most productive years.

In his mid teens Pre travelled the globe, unsuccessfully stalking Andrea Corr. His lack of stalking prowess was reflected in the fact that at no point were Pre or Andrea ever in the same country at the same time.

Today, Pre has neither the desire nor need for employment. He spends his days shopping online or stealing eggs from the local IGA.

When Prefontaine is not watching the famous Glasgow Celtic or various Boston sporting teams, he’ll wander onto the Balcony of Freedom and piff eggs at the Royal Tram as it trundles along St Kilda Road.

Prefontaine is the other half of the Wildog Half Hour, a podcast from the Balcony of Freedom.

Follow him on twitter @prefontaine67

Follow the Wildog Half Hour on twitter @wildoghalfhour

Titus O’Reily

Writer, political agitator and broadcaster, Titus O’Reily was abandoned by his parents within hours of his birth. As a result, Titus was raised by the Sisters of Collective Misery. Titus has risen to folk hero status amongst Australians due to his long running campaigns to lower the drinking age and prevent anyone entering Australia, including Australians returning from holidays. Titus is known as ‘the voice of Australia’s working class’, despite the fact he long lost touch with them and in the main, reality. He currently lives on a large farm with three sisters while writing for The Flack.

Follow him on twitter @TitusOReily.