The Flack

Masterchef Australia: Season 5, Episode 17

Posted June 26, 2013 by DanHall in Pop
Masterchef sexist

Masterchef is happening again, and we all just have to live with that. Let’s just make the best of it, shall we?

Tonight, the voiceover man promises us that “Tonight! We’ll dial P for pizza!” because he doesn’t know how pizza delivery works. I can just picture him staring at his phone, punching “M” and wondering why there’s no milk (or perhaps monkeys) at his front door.

The Kitchen

The chef-testants arrive to find the kitchen decorated in an Italian theme, including Italian flags and a fountain (which is… sort of Italian? Italians love water that’s kept moving). There’s also pizza ovens and a tonne of tables, so the place has been done up as a pizza restaurant. There doesn’t appear to be a pinball machine that hasn’t been used since the late eighties, but maybe we just haven’t seen it yet.

The Challenge

George tells them that, in addition to running a pizza restaurant, they will have to run a home delivery service. He mentions that, overnight, “We’ve been out flyer dropping!” and I’m pretty sure that when he says “we” he doesn’t literally mean the three judges. Although, if he does, that’s the best thing ever. I can just picture them tip-toeing through the streets of Ascot Vale, silently dropping menus into letter boxes and daintily stepping over homeless people.

The contestants are divided into Red and Green teams, and each assign a captain (Lilliana and Rishi, respectively). They each have to create four pizzas of their own choice, and I just pray that they get creative. Sure, you could do a margherita or a meat lovers, but what about peanut butter? Ice cream? Matchbox cars? Unlock your inner Ninja Turtle.

Cooking Time Begins

They break off to check the ingredients and devise their pizzas, and everything is fine except for Jules’ loud (and reasonable) objections to Noelene’s potato pizza (seriously, potato on a pizza NEVER works. I’d rather have a pizza with meat on it, and meat makes me vomit).

Over at Red’s station, Totem chucks some spicy Italian sausage into the bin, because the length of the sausages makes him feel very insecure as a man. George inspects the bin – which, apparently, he does regularly because he’s a total weirdo – and is disgusted. People are starving out in the streets, and those people would kill to have a bin to throw things into.

After Bingate dies down, Kelty shares with us his enthusiasm about Red’s caramelised-onion-and-fig pizza. While he does so, Vern comes across and tries to use one of the burners at Kelty’s stove. Kelty objects, because he thinks that his responsibility is to keep other people away from his station. Kelty, of course, has never heard the word “team” and doesn’t know what it means. He assumes that other people are saying “meat” backwards in some sort of weird, fancy chef-thing, and he doesn’t want anybody to think that he doesn’t get it.

Over at Team Green, Jules winds up having to slice potatoes, even though she hates the idea of a potato pizza and never agreed to it in the first place. I’m with you, Jules! Maybe sabotage the whole thing. It will teach your teammates a valuable lesson.

Rishi gathers his team, to make a plan for the service. Noelene criticises his leadership, and it’s like she doesn’t even know who she’s dealing with. He could* snap her in two with his bare hands.


Service Begins

Customers arrive and start ordering their pizzas, like a pack of a-holes. Don’t they know how stressful this is for the contestants?

Faiza is on the service for Green, but nobody hears her when she shouts orders out because she’s too quiet. Somebody get her a megaphone – OR, roll up a pizza and use that as megaphone. You’re welcome, Faiza.

The orders keep arriving, and both teams are under the pump. Nobody seems to be having fun, except for Kelty, who is very excited about how his onion and fig pizza looks (this is inexplicable, because it looks totally figged).

Phone orders then start rolling in, and Lynton has to head out on a little Vespa to make deliveries. It’s adorable. I DO wonder, though, why I didn’t even know that this was happening. I live near the Showgrounds! Where was my menu? YOU MISSED MY LETTER BOX, CALOMBARIS!

Back at the kitchen, Green Team are in chaos. Jules takes over the yelling-pizza-names role from Faiza, who doesn’t object because she’s busy patenting the mega-pizza-phone.

Red Team have similar troubles, so I’m starting to think that maybe running a pizza restaurant is just a stupid thing to do, generally.

So Jules is just yelling at people, and Noelene says “Jules has become Gordon Ramsey!” She says it like it’s a criticism, as if Gordon Ramsey isn’t a globally successful chef and total millionaire.

Out on the mean streets, Pip is making a delivery when she realises that she left one of the pizzas behind in the kitchen. Improvise, Pip! What’s nearby? Whip something together out of twigs and bark!

The judges taste Red’s pizzas, and like them all (booooring). Their feelings on Green’s offerings are more mixed, so unless Red accidentally serve up a pizza with turds on it, Green are going into elimination.


Red are sent to elimination, because Green’s dough was made of old coins or something. Emma is very upset, because she was in charge of the dough. Seeing Emma cry makes ME very upset, so I might just not watch this show anymore.*

*We all know that this is a lie.



About the Author


Daniel Hall is a television enthusiast, which is the nice way of saying that he spends far too much time watching TV instead of going out and being a productive member of society. He's currently studying screenwriting, hoping to turn his sad, solitary pastime into a sad, solitary career. He's had occasional runs at playwrighting and stand-up comedy, but has found that his true strengths lie in the ancient and noble art of saying snarky things about reality TV shows. He can be found on twitter @danieljohnhall.