The Flack

A Guide to the Melbourne Football Club Board

Posted June 3, 2013 by Titus in Regular Items

The Melbourne Football Club Board meet today to decide Mark Neeld’s future and make some big decisions on the structure of the club.

Here are a few little known facts about the Melbourne Football Club Board you may not know.

  • The average age of the Board is 84 years-old


  • A woman was accidently appointed to the Board, much to the surprise of other Board members


  • Contrary to popular belief, not all Board members drive Range Rovers. Some are chauffeured in them


  • Three of the ten Board members think Todd Viney is still playing


  • The other seven Board members think Todd Viney and Jack Viney are the same person


  • The Webjet sponsorship was difficult to sell to the Board due to the fact none of them have the Internet


  • The Melbourne Board is the most inbred Board in the AFL. All are cousins, two have nephews on the board and four are married to each other.


  • Each Board member is selected as a representative of a private school in Melbourne


  • Despite the sponsorship, no Board member has ever been in an Opel and four don’t realise it’s a car


  • Some Board members are still coming to terms with the fact that Robbie Flower has retired. The topic of getting him to come back as Captain is raised every meeting


  • None of the current Board members have ever watched a match except from the MCC. Two have never left the Long Room


  • The lunch served at Melbourne Board meetings is usually a quail stuffed inside a Peacock. The Peacock is bought into the Boardroom before the meeting starts where the Chair ceremonially shoots it to start the meeting


  • People presenting to the Board are advised before hand to speak very loudly and slowly, not to use PowerPoint as it confuses the Board and take snoring as approval.


  • When discussing the reaction of the media and the public, the Board often points out they’ve seen nothing in the Australian Financial Review.


  • Each Board meeting begins with a detailed snow report

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About the Author


Writer, political agitator and broadcaster, Titus O’Reily was born in May 1962. Abandoned by his parents within hours of his birth, Titus was raised by the Sisters of Collective Misery. Titus has risen to folk hero status amongst Australians due to his long running campaigns to lower the drinking age and prevent anyone entering Australia, including Australians returning from holidays. Titus is known as ‘the voice of Australia’s working class’, despite the fact he long lost touch with them and in the main, reality. He currently lives on a large farm with three sisters while writing for The Flack.


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