The Flack


Jack’s Hits: “Coming this summer (winter) to a theatre near you…” The Flack’s Blockbuster Movie Guide

Posted May 7, 2013 by Jack in Pop
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Not only is it Winter, or whatever balmy temperature passes for winter in Queensland and WA, but we have to endure the Northern Hemisphere’s “Summer Blockbuster Season.” Movies based on toys, comics, post-apocalyptic waste lands and various other fevered dreams of 14 year-old boys high on hot dog stuffed crust pizza and energy drinks.

So let’s take a look at what we have to look forward to:

Spring Breakers

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Released: May 9
James Franco and Disney Channel girls in bikinis do Heavenly Creatures.
Good if you want to see: Girls Gone Wildest
Bad if you like: Coherence

Star Trek Into Darkness

Released: May 9
Star Trek the next last first generation. I love how when Hollywood needs a REAL bad guy they get an Englishman, I have hopes that Benedict Cumberbatch will be the next Alan Rickman.
Good if you want to see: Digital lens flare.
Bad if you like: William. Shatner. Talking. Like. This.

The Place Beyond The Pines

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Released: May 9
Continuing his run of “that guy in a movie you haven’t seen who women won’t shut up about. No, not Michael Fassbender, the shorter one,” Ryan Gosling again returns to the big screen to play a traveling motorcycle stuntman (because that’s a real job) who discovers he has an illegitimate child, bank robbery ensues.
Good if you want to see: The abs of Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper
Bad if you like: Remaining in your girlfriends sexual fantasies.

Snitch

Released: May 16
Not a sequel to Snatch, designed to fill in the half a month till the next Rock movie comes out, Snitch concerns deadbeat father The Rock, whose son is arrested for drug related shenanigans, drug dealing in trucks ensues.
Good if you want to see: The Fast and the Fatherless.
Bad if you like: Plots and character and crap like that.

The Call

Released: May 16
Halle Berry is a veteran 911 operator whose past call centre mistake still haunts her. Co-stars someone called Morris Chestnut, who IMDB informs me is not a children’s character.
Good if you want to see: Halle Berry with this haircut.
Bad if you like: Call centres.

The Hangover Part 3

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Released: May 23
About a month ago I had a hangover that didn’t actually start until 9PM Saturday night, I couldn’t tell if I was very hungry or very ill and then it became very clear which it was – still a better experience than this film promises. The boys are back: “This time, there’s no wedding. No bachelor party.” No script. There are now more Hangover movies than Ghostbuster movies.
Good if you want to see: Something happen to Ed Helms’ face.
Bad if you like: (or respect) Women.

The Great Gatsby

Released: May 30
Classic prose as told through the technicolor vomit vision of Baz Luhrmann, who directed parts of this film via Skype, he decided to do this project after listening to the audiobook.
Good if you want to see: A classic book as told through the medium of the Sydney Mardi Gras.
Bad if you like: Encouraging people to read books

Fast & Furious 6

Released: June 6
Fast & Furious 6 has its own clothing line produced by Guess, because tight fitting grease and sweat stained muscle tops are a fashion now it seems. Director Justin Lin is up to his fourth Fast/Furious film, one more and he gets to supersize his coke. The gang from the last movie are now all super rich, but still furious as their criminal records prevent them from returning to their home countries (boo). So The Rock hires them to help take down a different set of bad guys – it is like the Iran Contra all over again!
Good if you want to see: Angry people driving rapidly, more so.
Bad if you like: The Nic Cage movie Drive Angry, I mean really what’s the difference right? Nothing, it’s just a rip of it is what it is!

Stand Up Guys

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Released: June 6
Old mob guys Al Pacino, Christopher Walken and Alan Arkin get up to old guy capers – which would be awful but Christopher Walken and Alan Arkin you guys! If there is not a Viagra joke (boner jokes, amiright?) in this film, I will write a full column explaining why Everybody Loves Raymond is a perfect sitcom (it is the worst).
Good if you want to see: Al Pacino playing a poorly acted Al Pacino.
Bad if you like: Graceful ageing/a self-respecting Al Pacino.

After Earth

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Released: June 13
Continuing his lucrative business of commercialising his offsprings’ childhood, Will Smith  co-stars with the Freshest Prince, his son, in After Earth. The earth is ruined, or whatever rubbish you know the drill the future is bad, and Big and Little Willi-style go to earth and run around, arguing ensues.
Good if you want to see: Future recreation of the Kid And Play movie House Party (compare the hair)
Bad if you like: Nepotism
WARNING: Is co-written, produced and directed by M. Night Shyamalan, so it is likely this whole thing plays out in the mind of the browning selector dial of your toaster.

The Internship

Released: June 13
The Wedding Crashers are back, Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn “crash” an internship at Google because that is the only “internet” old peoples know.
Good if you want to see: Something you found funny that is no longer funny eight years later.
Bad if you like: Well written comedy.

Monsters University & Despicable Me 2

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Released: June 20
Must be school holidays? Two animated movies get unnecessary sequels. Monsters U sticks to the college movie formula of outcasts saving whatever it is they love through an unlikely competition and Despicable Me 2 has those little yellow sons of bitches I guess, I don’t know I don’t have nieces or nephews, so search me as to what that movie is about.
Good if you want to see: Joy in a child’s face as they experience the magic of the movies.
Bad if you like: Watching a film in peace and god damn quiet.

World war Z

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Released: June 20
“After Generation X and Generation Y.. We had World War Z!” Oh wait, no my bad, it’s a super zombie movie.
Good if you want to see: More zombies than ever before, like a building sized pile of zombies
Bad if you like: People and people related survival.

Man Of Steel

Released: June 27
Superman as made by the 300 guy, so expect wall to wall of slow-mo, abs ensue. Also Russell Crowe and Kevin Costner, the two robin Hoods on screen at last!
Good if you want to see: Reboot of a reboot, a re-reboot.
Bad if you like: To watch your Superman with underwear on the outside.

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About the Author

Jack
Jack

"Sugarfoot" Jack Franklin attacks the keyboard with the same pugilistic attitude he brings to the sweet science, he is an occasional writer for Beat Magazine and all round bon vivant. You can follow him on Twitter @SugarfootJack.