What EDTV Would Be Like For Other Teams
With Eddie McGuire leading an all Collingwood commentary team in a one-eyed call of the weekend’s Richmond game, we look at what other team’s versions would be like.
Host: Wayne Weiderman
Style: To Wayne, the modern game is soft. He let’s viewers know this through a series of barely intelligible grunts and snarls.
Despite this, Wayne actually knows what he’s talking about which puts him ahead of Tim Lane.
Host: Jason Akermanis
Style: Each week, Jason recounts stories from his playing days, frequently missing large blocks of the game.
When focusing on the actual game, Aker somehow manages to blame Leigh Matthews for individual player’s errors and calls for Michael Voss’ sacking.
Aker also manages to somehow offend several minority groups each game on topics as wide ranging as live exports and negative gearing.
Host: John Elliot
Style: The former Carlton President reinterprets history every game constantly referring to the ‘glory years’ of his Presidency while conveniently leaving out the salary cap breaches that have crippled the club.
Often by the third quarter, Elliot’s words are difficult to understand and he starts calling players names from 20 years ago.
The fourth quarter is often just snoring.
Host: Matthew Lloyd
Style: Monotone. Matthew can make the most exciting game make you lose the will to live.
Health authorities in every state in Australia warn people not to listen to his call while holding hot drinks or children.
Host: Matthew Pavlich
Style: With Pavlich being the only player anyone can remember, Foxtel have drafted him to call each game. To get around the fact he’s still playing, Matthew records his call on the Monday before the game.
This results in him just telling random anecdotes and Foxtel triggering prerecorded phrases making him sound like the commentary on Nintendo Entertainment System. ‘Out of bounds. On the full.’
Host: Matthew Scarlett
Style: Intensely private, Scarlett often goes several quarters not speaking. When he does, it’s often a dry comment or a masterly crafted understatement.
This is easily the most intimidating call.
Host: Clive Palmer
Style: With no real history, Foxtel chooses a well-known Gold Coast identity.
Like a footy version of the Bolt Report, Clive works in the mining tax, immigration and the not-so-imminent launch of his alternate A-League.
Recently, whole games have been devoted to talking about his new version of the Titanic. Despite never learning the players’ names or knowing the rules of AFL, he is still regularly more insightful than Anthony Hudson.
Host: Andrew Demetriou
Style: Keen to promote the game to Western Sydney, Andrew gets behind the microphone to spruik the Giants.
Demetriou regularly praises the umpires and the new sliding rule, calls for a cap on the interchange and for more money to be invested in Sydney’s Western suburbs.
Host: Jeff Kennett
Style: Despite the Hawks regularly leading by multiple goals, Kennett usually spends the fourth quarter calling for Alastair Clarkson’s removal as coach.
More editorial than commentary call, Jeff regularly criticises the AFL, other clubs, the current Hawthorn Board.
Bizarrely, on a frequent basis he will discuss in great detail why berets are a fashion item that deserve a lot more respect.
Host: Garry Lyon
Style: Garry spends an enormous amount of time talking about how disappointing the Dees performances are while never mentioning his hand in many of the major decisions that have lead Melbourne into such a dismal place.
Garry regular offers strong opinions on what needs to be done to save the club before remembering the large salary he makes from the media. He then spends the remaining three quarters acting like it’s surprising people keep asking for him to return to the club.
Host: James Brayshaw
Style: Anything Ed can do, James can do slightly less well. While EDTV sounds like Soviet era propaganda, Brayshaw sounds like a 15-year old private school boy is calling the game in his bedroom.
Whenever North falls behind, James spends the time explaining why they will never move from North Melbourne before finally breaking into tears.
Style: Steve has lived in Port Adelaide all his life. Now forty, this is his first job. Steve calls the game from his home because he can ‘smoke and drink there’.
His call of the game is often punctuated by calls to his bookie and his wife yelling at him to ‘get bloody control of himself’ from the other room.
Host: Kevin Bartlett
Style: Bitter with a strong dash of self-centeredness.
Host: Molly Meldrum
Style: A mix of passionate supporting and nightclub anecdotes. Molly is regularly joined in the booth by a celebrity guest who have included Elton John, Madonna and every second week Peter Andre.
Every now and then Molly begins to refer to various players as Billy Slater.
Host: Tony Lockett
Style: Tony manages to combine his love of footy with his love of greyhounds by describing each week what every player on the field would be like if they were a greyhound.
Host: Ben Cousins
Style: Erratic. Ben’s not always guaranteed to appear and when he does, he often spend large chunks of the call on the phone to various people. These calls are always muffled and seem to be regularly in code.
This is still more enjoyable than listening to Robert Walls commentate.
Hosts: Shirley and Deidre
Style: Shirley and Deidre begun supporting the club in the 1940s. Their commentary is deeply personal with an encyclopedic knowledge of the game and the club.
Shirley calls the game in a distinctive yet unobtrusive style while Deidre provides deep analysis to the onfield strategies and the psychology of the individual players.
They are easily the AFL best commentators in Australia.
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