The Flack

Incoming Port Adelaide President David Koch writes to Power Supporters

Posted October 2, 2012 by Titus in Regular Items
David Koch


Kochie here. You may have heard that I’ve been appointed the new President of the Port Adelaide Football Club. Go the Power!

I’m a long time Power fan. Really!

It’s a great club. Well it was and it will be again.

I want to assure you I did a lot of due diligence before taking this job. I sought the views of a lot of people at the club.

In fact, I spent four hours alone with club mascot Tommy ‘Thunda’ Power getting his thoughts on who should be the next coach, which really informed my views.

Every Port fan needs to know I have a clear four point plan to restore the Power back to where we belong, somewhere between 7th and 10th on the ladder.

The David Koch Plan to Restore Port Adelaide, which has Four Key Points

1.    Have a Budget

Everyone knows how important it is to have good finances. My wife and I have written a lot of books on family budgets and we’ve got some great excel spreadsheets we can use here at Port. My wife’s figured out all the macros and stuff.

We also need to get sponsors that are actual companies and can give us some money. Real money. No more front-of-jumper major sponsors just donating a meat tray.

Currently, I personally have more sponsorship than the entire club. My Sunrise wage could buy our current major sponsors and have enough change to buy several suburbs of Adelaide.

Don’t worry, I’ve got this. Any company that sponsors us will get mentioned so often on Sunrise, even you, as a Power supporter, will say, ‘Come on Kochie, dial it down a bit.’

2.    Hire a Really Good Coach

We need to get a coach. When I played in the under nines, our coach didn’t show up and we had Greg Smotherfield’s Dad coach us for the day. Greg’s dad was terrible. He tried to make sure everyone got a go in the key positions and said things like, ‘Winning isn’t important; giving your best is.’

We got thumped and I heard a week later Greg’s Dad got let go from his job at the factory. We will not be hiring Greg’s Dad as coach. We are going to hire a good coach.

3.    Get Some Players who are Good at Football

A good coach is fine but the really good teams in the AFL have good players. I’ve also noticed a similar correlation between bad teams and bad players.

Our plan is to get players that are good at AFL football. Really good.

I plan for us to draft the next Gary Ablett. Not as in Gary Ablett Jr’s son because we’d be waiting forever but a player who will become as good as Gary Ablett Jr.

You need players that really want it. I know what that’s like. My interview with Todd Russell at Beaconsfield is something I really wanted. How much? I pretty much jumped into a moving ambulance; that’s how much.

Imagine if we had a bunch of good players! We could definitely win some games then.

4.    Be President while Continuing to Live in Sydney

Have you seen my house? It’s amazing. The pool house is probably bigger than most of your houses and I never even go in there!

One of the keys to my vision of what success looks like for the Port Adelaide Football Club is that I get to keep living in this house and in Sydney.

I mean Port Adelaide’s great and all but I really like living on a real harbour in a real city.

Don’t worry; I’ll be there for every home game. I’ll take the Learjet down and have it on the tarmac, engines running while the game’s on and be back in Sydney before you’ve probably managed to drive home.

So there you have it. My four point plan. I think you’ll see that if we execute on each of these points, we will be fine.

All I ask is that you support me. I’m a great guy who people really seem to like and I’m pretty non-threatening. Please support the club by buying a membership and please watch Sunrise; it’s really good!

Believe in Dreams.


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About the Author


Writer, political agitator and broadcaster, Titus O’Reily was born in May 1962. Abandoned by his parents within hours of his birth, Titus was raised by the Sisters of Collective Misery. Titus has risen to folk hero status amongst Australians due to his long running campaigns to lower the drinking age and prevent anyone entering Australia, including Australians returning from holidays. Titus is known as ‘the voice of Australia’s working class’, despite the fact he long lost touch with them and in the main, reality. He currently lives on a large farm with three sisters while writing for The Flack.



    Wow Kochie. Giving Greg Smotherfield’s Dad a pasting! Poor guy lost his job too.

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