Nicknames for the Games: Meet the Aussie Team
Nothing says sports expert like knowing the players’ names but nothing says sports savant like knowing all their nicknames. So here is The Flack’s handy guide to bluffing your way through the London Olympics (I read pretty much all the team bios and let me tell you they need better questions – the ideal car for an Australia athlete is either an old Mustang or a Hummer and the one thing they can’t live without is their mobile phone. Sad really.).
What’s Taylor worth? ’bout a buck and a half. He has listed his favourite food as Doritos, making me worry about his match readiness, earning himself Chester as a nickname. However he lists Glenn McGrath as his sporting hero, so if you are watching him, break out a “Ooh! Ahh! Taylor Worth. I say ooh ahh Taylor Worth.”
Childhood ambition was to be on the Jamaican bobsled team, so I love her and will call her The Saint (Bernard).
Martin Dent – Marathon
Ragan Lamble – 20km Road walk
A walker called R.Lamble = Ramble.
Henry Frayne – Triple Jump/ Long Jump
Frayne Man UPDATE: Via the Twitter Henry has said that he also goes by The Fraynetrain! He is a man I will be cheering for.
Alana Boyd – Pole Vault
Where would we be with out AB?
Liz Parnov – Pole Vault
Niece to Olympic pole vaulter Tatiana Grigorieva, who we all fell in love with once she looked like medalling in Sydney. The Legacy.
Kim Mickle – Javelin
She out ockers Alf from Home and Away, so I am reclaiming Aussie Kim just for her.
Ben Harradine – Discus
Ben already lists Dizzle as a nickname and who am I to mess with perfection? All I had was Disco or Kung-Fu.
Genevieve LaCaze – 3000m Steeplechase
Gen Cheap Date LaCaze says if she only had $10 to her name she would spend it on, “All you can eat pancakes at IHOP for $4.99… And I’d bring a special someone.”
Craig Mottram – 5000m
I once tested my stride out against Craig running around the Tan. He didn’t know this, he was just jogging. He is very, very, fast! The Battering-Ram.
Victoria Na – Singles
We have a men’s and women’s doubles and only one single, Vicky, so good on her! Under famous relative she has listed her uncle-in-law’s cousin, Miriam Margolyes (Professor Sprout in Harry Potter), which does not count as a relative in my book, so we will call her Muggle.
The Teams.. The Boomers and The Opals? No, no, no. The Opals have come second in the last three Olympics, so they are The Bridesmaids until they win a gold – that should fire them up. And The Boomers? You should never have Boo in your name, that is silly, but as they have never medaled, keep booing.
There was quite a period of time around the 2000 Olympics where I referred to myself as the future Mr Lauren Jackson, but no more. This is her fourth Olympics, she could be the Inglourious Basterd because she scalps people, but I am going with The Flagpole because you know, she is tall and waves flags. If you don’t know much about basketball just keep repeating, “That was a great layup by LJ.” As there is no dunking in Women’s Basketball.
Her 5th Olympics! We all fell in love with her back in Sydney, where she won gold. She spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff! (I went there). She is a winner and I will be calling her the Hot Pot, because you, know, her name is Cook and she looks good in a Bikini.
While not in the same team as Nat Cook I have included her in my dream beach volleyball team, with Nat Cook, in a pairing I call Pot & Palmer.
Billy Ward – Light-flyweight
Ginger Meggs, because just look at him. Side note: He can and will beat the tar outta me for that one and who could blame him?
Canoe/ Kayak – Slalom
He is tall, dark and handsome, we are calling him The Mad Man because, Don Draper.
Canoe/ Kayak – Sprint
16 competitors from Australia!
Stephen Bird – K2 2200m
The Birdman is an enigma, look at his moustache! He lost a bet, I am sure of it. Also his lists his favoured music as, “Oasis, Smashing Pumpkins, Nivarna, Neil Young, Bon Iver and House music.” So go with Birdman or Errol.
Naomi Flood – K2 500m
Naomi Flood, “loves being Australian because it is the greatest place to be from.” Argue with that, Communists! She has put the naysayers on warning, so will be The Flood Warning.
Jo Brigden-Jones – K4 500m
Cycling – BMX
Khalen has a neck tattoo of an Owl, something a wise owl would never do. Never the less, I will call him Hoots.
No one in the Olympic BMX team lists BMX Bandits as their favourite film, although it is heavily implied. She came 8th at the world championship earlier this year. Caroline The Cannon Buchanan.
Cycling – Mountain Bike
He rides down mountains and has a chiseled jaw line, so will be know as Cliff. Also looks a bit like Steve Moneghetti, so mix it up with Monners occasionally.
Cycling – Road
Chloe says that in another life she would have been Samantha from Sex and the City. This makes me worry! Have you heard the stories about what goes on in the Olympic village?
I would not want to be her father, I am calling her ‘Ave a go with Chlo.
Cycling – Track
Anna Meares – Team Sprint Women
With Olympic gold, silver and bronze medals to her name, she is the Neapolitan. I say three Cheers for Anna Meares.
Jaele Patrick – 3 metre Springboard
Jaele is pronounced J.L. so JL it is.
James Connor – 10m Platform
Ritz, as in he is so adorable I could eat him up on a Ritz cracker.
Matt Mitcham – 10m Platform
He won the gold last time around so keep an eye on him. Like Robin Hood, he hits his target, but this is diving so Friar (one and a half) Tuck.
Rachel Bugg – Synchronised Diving 10m
“Snug As” Rachel Bugg. She can’t get angry, she has a tatt of a ladybug!
Dressage/ Eventing/ Jumping
All competitors – The 1%. It’s not a sport if you wear a tie!
All together in your best Mr Burns voice… Ahoy Hoy!
Gymnastics – Artistic/ Rhythmic
Pocket Rocket will be fine in all situations.
Gymnastics – Trampoline
“Bouncing” Blake AKA Tigger (you know cos he bounces). I am allowed to make this joke because it’s even in his official bio, “Blake Gaudry will bounce into his first Olympic Games in London having performed strongly both in Australia and abroad in the sport of trampolining.”
Hockey – Womens
Teneal can only be The Captain but sadly, is not the Captain.
Lady Madonna is the captain.
The teams are the Kookaburras and the Hockeyroos. Having the name of your sport in your name signals a lack of faith, so I propose we keep the Kookaburras but upgrade the roos to another native bird. The Cassowaries would be bad-ass.
Nathan Burgers – Goalie
Jake Andrewartha +100kg Div
Jake says his childhood ambition was to be an ice hockey player after watching The Mighty Ducks, so he gets Gordon Bombay. Or Big Rig, as he is HUGE!
Carli Renzi 52 – 57kg
The Smiling Assassin
Look at this date of birth: 19/9/1991 – She is The Palindrome
Double Scull and pair! I get that you either have one or two paddles (rowers love it when you call them paddles) but still, it’s the same thing. And then Quadruple Scull? That is a four! Crazy.
Names for teams:
Double Scull – $1 Pots
Pairs – Gruesome Twosome
Fours – Drop your draws
Quadruple Scull – O Week
Eight – Never short of a mate
Kim Crow – Single and Double Skull
Good chance to medal and has row in her name! Turbo.
Alexandra Hagan – Eights
Alexandra the Great in the Eight
James Chapman – Four
The Cats supporter in me needs this one… CHAPPY!!!!
Olivia Price Elliott – 6m
Olivia lives in the moment, listing her listening preferences as “any current music.” Doesn’t care as long as it’s new, she is always moving forward, never looks back, earning her The Shark.
Malcolm Page – 470
Back to defend his gold medal, Malcatraz is inescapable.
Why is this even here still? We have archery, that requires some physical involvement, but shooting? Knife throwing would be way cooler and take more skill. Also, this should just be unisex, come on!
Russell Mark – Double trap
Colour me creeped out, when asked if there was anyone else in the world he would want to be, Rusty answered Lauryn Mark, HIS WIFE! Who is 16 years younger than him. No. NO. No, no, no. He was possibly rubbing his thighs when he said that too. This is the type of person this sport attracts, so “romantic!” He is The Creeper.
Bronte Campbell – 50m Freestyle
Bronte Barratt – 400m Freestyle and 4 X 200m Freestyle
The Bronte Sisters
Eamon Sullivan – 50m Freestyle, 4 X 100m Freestyle
Eamon the Demon
Jarrod Poort 1500m Freestyle
That is a rough last name. The Big O
Leisel Jones – 100m Breaststroke
She does not list Lethal as her nickname! Just LJ, which Lauren Jackson already has claim too. After the events of the week I am calling her Catwalk.
Eloise Amberger – Duet, Team
The Cockney because she clearly drops her Hs.
Table Tennis (Ping Pong)
Robert Frank – Team
Standing 195cm and 88km, he is Frank the Tank.
Miao Miao – Singles, Team
The Kitten is too obvious. Her parents immigrated to Poland when she was a child, and later to Australia so show your knowledge by calling her The Pole.
Carmen Marton – 67kg Women
Tootin’ or Sandiego
Bernard Tomic – Singles
Lleyton Hewitt – Singles
He lists his nickname as Balboa… as in Rocky! Yeah, sure people call him that. His name is Lil’ Lley-Lley.
Sam Stosur – Singles, Doubles
Little Miss Moffatt
Vollleyball – Mens
Alternate the whole team with Stretch or Tiny.
The Sharks and The Stingers?! Not on my watch. I am taking this one West Side (Story) style: The Sharks and The Jets.
The End Game
Billy says his nickname is Bully, which actually means, if you have ever watched Men’s water polo, that his nickname is Vice Grip Bill and/or Tchaikovsky because he is a nutcracker.
Seen Lee – 58kg Women
Her bio is great, she loves Bonnie Doon and the DeLorean from Back to the Future, so she is Hollywood.
Farzad Terash – 60kg Men
The Jock because everything I know about this sport comes from The Breakfast Club.
So there you have it, all the names. Well all the names fit to print at least.