The Flack

Children of a Lesser God: What the Stars Hold for Richmond in 2013

Posted August 15, 2012 by Ares in Sport
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A couple of wins in a row and Richmond is still a mathematical chance of playing finals this year. I also am a mathematical chance of playing finals this year, by dint of the fact that I am human and upright.

I believe the difference between Richmond’s chances of playing finals this year and my chances of playing finals is what data analysts refer to as “statistically insignificant”.

The point is that now the pressure is off, Richmond is winning. As has been our wont for more than a decade, we will carry significant momentum into Mad Monday.

To be fair, Richmond Football Club itself is in no way countenancing the prospect of playing finals this year – and is now firmly focused on 2013.

And I think I need to do the same. The last two wins have significantly improved my mood and the general atmospherics for those around me. It is important now that I build on this positive by looking to 2013, rather than staying mired in 2012 and asking questions like: really, now? Now you want to start winning? Not five rounds ago? Not against Gold Coast? No?

As we move united into 2013, I thought it important to see what 2013 might have in store for Tigerland. So I’ve dusted off the astrolabe and set the course for Finals 2013. Here is what the stars say is in store for some key Tigers.

Trent Cotchin: Aries

The horoscope for Aries states that the progress you make throughout 2013 will come to a halt in August and September. This is not a good start to this astrological forecasting. But my feeling is that horoscopes are largely irrelevant for you, Trent Cotchin. You are now one of the competition’s elite midfielders, a Brownlow-medal fancy and you have a hairline that I previously thought was reserved for Munsters. I also imagine that you can cook awesome Thai food, play jazz flute and are studying for a post-football career in international diplomacy. The question that is left for you is that if Justin can have Beliebers, is it time for Cotchin to ignite some Intrentcity? Yes, I believe it is.

Brett Deledio: Aries

You horoscope draws interesting parallels with that of Intrentcity Cotchin – except that you appear to get a lot more action than Intrentcity. At the same time, your stars warn you to stay on top of your money situation. I do not believe the two statements are in any way connected. But the horoscope does advise you to spring-clean your finances and eliminate any unnecessary costs. I think they are talking about your $350 hair treatments. I know Shane Woewodin won a Brownlow mostly off the back of peroxide, but you’re better than that. It’s time to make a choice about hairstyles – and it’s critical now that you steer away from the fashion-forward stuff of the past decade. You ditched the Nick-Riewoldt / Carole Brady style hyper-blonde set-up many years ago. Now is not the time to return to that or to the overly-hair-fudge-reliant spikey creation that netted you the Rising Star award. The current natural-coloured 1990s Meg Ryan arrangement looks to be a winner and you should stick with it. But hey, what would I know, you’re the one getting all the action.

Ivan Maric: Capricorn

You will develop a greater sense of serenity through 2013, with the joint influences of Pluto and Saturn giving you a higher sense of reasoning and realism which will lead to spiritual enlightenment and prosperity. As the year progresses, the talismanic properties of your mullet will begin to reach beyond Tigerland and come to affect lives in the wider community. A small Italian girl will claim to see a weeping Virgin Mary in your locks and crowds of the aged and infirm will fill Dallas Brooks Hall, lining up for the chance to touch your mane. Your mullet will cure reflux. Sure, not the condition we would have hoped for. I mean, polio or cancer would have been great. But, still a miracle nonetheless. And you will save many people from moderate discomfort in the future. That’s a legacy.

Shane Tuck: Capricorn

Really? A Capricorn? No. What is it with you Capricorns? Did you secretly get together and decide to own the mullet as your hairstyle. Oh. My. God. Rod Stewart is a Capricorn. So is Danny Southern. Mick McGuane. Mel Gibson (he still has one, right?). Jesus: Jesus was a Capricorn! Okay, okay: Capricorns, we understand your silent protest. We will listen patiently to your grievances and seek resolution. But, for the love of God, get a trim. In the meantime, the stars point to communications issues for Capricorns in 2013. Given the amount of cotton wool you stuff into your ears for every game, I imagine that this has been a problem for you well before 2013. Capricorns in new relationships are also urged to vocalise how they feel, if they have not already. I do hear that Intrentcity Cotchin is partial to Coda and Cutler & Co. He also gets nowhere near as much action as Lids, so will have time in his diary for a quiet dinner with a valued midfield team-mate.

Jack Riewoldt: Scorpio

The stars say 2013 will be the year that Scorpios truly achieve their goals – quite literally in your case. With this exciting prediction comes a warning to Scorpios that life can be an emotional roller-coaster for Scorpios in 2012, and their moody natures and overly-emotional reactions can derail their progress towards achievement. Thankfully there is not a hint of any of that either in any behaviour you have exhibited to date, so the chances of this happening to you are next to nil. 2013 also holds with it the lure of new creative pursuits. We predict that this will come to fruition when a major US producer casts you in the made-for-television biographical movie on the life of Kevin Bacon. You will play the mid-20s Bacon, as he struggles to come to grips with the deep emotional issues raised by his portrayal of Ren McCormack in the 1984 musical film Footloose. Critics will admire your authentic tapping of key emotions through the medium of musical expression. You will also win the Coleman Medal again.

Dustin Martin: Cancer

Cancerians are warned to temper their generosity, especially when it comes to lending money to people who have no intention of repaying the loan. In your environment, Dustin, that means not lending money to the cheer squad or rookie-listed players. They have meagre salaries like the rest of society, cannot be trusted and have no intention of paying you back. 2013 also promises to be the year when you let someone you secretly admire know your true feelings. May is nominated as the month most likely to generate a new romance for single Cancerians. The Melbourne International Jazz Festival starts in May. Melbourne also plays host to the Australian 2013 Fédération Internationale de Philatélie World Stamp Exhibition on May 10 to 15 (major events coup). And the 2013 Asia Pacific International Symposium and Exhibition on Electromagnetic Capability will be held at the home of football from May 20 to 23. So, I’m just saying that Melbourne’s Major Events Calendar provides ample opportunity for you to meet somebody and start something really special.

Bachar Houli: Taurus

A strong urge towards creativity and new experiences will guide you through 2013. On behalf of all Richmond fans, we plead with you not to include in your creativity little one-twos with Alex Rance taking the ball out of defence. These make us nervous and seem to be asking a lot of Alex. The stars also warn you to avoid workplace gossips as they will only seek to undermine the building blocks of a healthy culture in your workplace. I think we all know who this is. It’s Addam Maric, right? All that time in the red vest, waiting for someone to get injured, wishing hate on everyone else, so he can get on for 15 minutes and kick a goal. Just saying, be wary.

Chris Newman: Taurus

Bloody hell, another Taurus in the backline with a strong dose of creativity in his horoscope. Alright Captain, this is line-in-the-sand stuff. Time to put an end to this creativity talk. Last five minutes of a game, protecting a five-point lead, you need to belt the crap out of any team-mate who refuses to hit the boundary line. That 17 is on your back for a reason.

Daniel Jackson: Ginger

If you were not born a Ginger, your star sign would be Taurus. 2013 promises to be an exciting year for Taureans. Many will find their one true love for the first time and embark on relationships that open new horizons never previously conceptualised by either partner in the relationship. Business negotiations involving contracts will be easily concluded by Taureans, particularly early in the year – around February and March – and a profitable business deal will address some long-standing financial issues. The month of May is likely to deliver Taureans a promotion or an enticing career change. Unfortunately, as a Ginger, you are not recognized by the Zodiac. I wish you the best of luck through 2013 and the rest of your life. At least you’re not another bloody “creative” Taurus in the Richmond backline. We’ve got enough to sink a ship.

Alex Rance: Libra

The symbol for Librans is the scales. This sheds considerable light on the deep emotional struggles you have in two key issues: taking the ball out of the backline and killing the ball in the final moments of a close game. I now understand that you struggle with trying to establish balance in the world. These scales are dominating your consciousness. The whole idea that there needs to be a winner and a loser in any contest does not sit right with your horoscopic make-up. Those scales, they make you see all sides of an argument. An ordinary player thinks: “I have the ball in the back pocket and I will pass it to a team-mate 45 metres away, but I will take the safety first option of picking a team-mate who is close to the boundary line, just in case the kick is not perfect. That way, it can be shuffled out of bounds, warding against a turnover.” This is myopic thinking for a Libran. Instead, you bring a unique perspective that says: “I have possession of the football now in my backline, but who am I to believe that I am more entitled to possess this football than any other human being. What is it to ‘possess’ a football anyway. I mean, it’s not like you can name it or put it in family photos or catch up with it for coffee during the week. Anyway, this situation is totally bogus and against the laws of the universe. Clearly, the only option for me – if I am to maintain spiritual equilibrium – is to remove the football from its current state where it is in the ‘possession’ of one human, me. I will now send it to a position where the claim on possessing the football is a genuine 50-50 proposition. And I will let the universe decide.” Okay, I get it. Now, stop freaking doing it.

Jake King: Aries

The stars say you will find knowledge and patience – and a calmer and more objective state of mind will open up for you in 2013. If this actually happens to you, I advise that your immediate reaction should be to punch the crap out of the person standing next to you (preferably from the other team, but doesn’t matter in an emergency). Sending you knowledge and patience? The stars may as well be sending Superman a wheelbarrow full of kryptonite. Ignore this celestial advice. Continue to be angry.

Brad Miller: Cancer

Pia Miller is a Scorpio. Brad’s status as a Cancerian is reported here only for completeness. 2013 promises to be a big year for Scorpios and Pia Miller is no exception. Most horoscopes agree that 2013 will be a challenging year in the relationship stakes for Scorpios, with some difficult hurdles they will need to clear along the way. I think this is where I re-hash the phrase “mathematical possibility” from earlier in the article. I am a mathematical possibility. We all obviously wish no ill to the Miller couple, but … you know … if those hurdles start to look insurmountable … if the distance between you is too great. Other star-gazers urge Scorpios to let “love’s poetry” enter their lives, to go with love’s flow and to open their minds to a new awakening. Look, they have said that and it just seems cruel to pass up such spiritual growth by being constrained by outmoded – even feudal – notions of marriage etc. By the way, Cancerians should be on their knees every day thanking the universe for being slapped on the arse with a rainbow. P.S. congratulations on a great career Brad Miller and to Kel Moore as well.

Robin Nahas: Scorpio

Oh dear, this is awkward. Robin, the above Scorpio horoscope totally does not apply to you. It is only for awesomely hot Scorpios. For non-awesomely-hot Scorpios, 2013 is all about letting your creative side flourish. This is great news for the Richmond forward line. The stars say that your professional life could be much more rewarding than it has been in previous years, but a lack of time may hamper your professional efforts. You do get your space closed down a lot. Time to develop a new shimmy maybe? Just saying that running backwards and then flipping kicks over your right shoulder might not get the job done next year. The stars warn against frivolous purchases, so I advise against buying that Monster Truck you’ve had your eye on.

I must confess that I am struggling to provide much of an update on the Supercoach experiment. Like the team on the field, the MyRichmond Supercoach team (made up of Richmond’s current playing list) is now looking to 2013 to make its mark, having fallen several thousand points behind the NotRichmond team made up of players Richmond has failed to draft over the past decade.




About the Author


Born about 6000 years ago, around the time Creationism tells us the Earth and Universe were made, Ares is just one offspring resulting from Zeus's extensive philandering - in this instance to the Queen of the Gods, Hera. Ares is a disputed member of the 12 Olympians who conquered the Titans under Zeus's leadership before going on to establish the modern Olympic Games. They also set in train a range of cultural practices that led to the modern Eurozone crisis. He was hated by all other gods, except the super-hot Aphrodite, with whom he was once caught in flagrante delicto. Throughout history, fellow God of War Athena was viewed as a well respected protector of cities and strategic genius. Ares is not. He is regarded as a bit player in history whose underwhelming acts are variously either overshadowed by the deeds of other gods, or punctuated by bouts of extreme violence and bloodshed. After thousands of years of disputed residence in the Pantheon of Gods, Ares followed the example of many Greeks emigrating to Australia and took up residence in a small row cottage in North Melbourne. He lives with an Anglo wife who does not cook and a son who does not look Greek. He changed football teams in adulthood, doesn't know what Apple TV is and plays suburban hockey to a mediocre standard.