The Week Woman’s Day Upset Wills and Kate While Tom and Katie Settled Their Divorce
What a week! Did it seem colder than usual for this time of year? And what about that yappy dog keeping you awake at night? It was so hard to struggle through the day what with the work, and the other work. You certainly didn’t have time to read the newspaper or watch the television news report. But now you want to have a martini and you must seem erudite. What to do? … A solution is at hand.
What to read if you’ve been too busy to read this week.
- Victorian Welfare Authorities decide to use obesity as a reason to take children away from parents. Speaking points: a department spokesperson said that obesity was a symptom of a bigger problem. Such as eating a lot.
- Malcolm Turnbull says he disagrees with the Coalition position on marriage equality but concludes that civil unions are the way to go. Speaking points: Rodney Croome says civil unions can create more problems than they solve. Way to wimp out, Mal.
- Labor and the Greens get snippy with each other and it looks like the Greens will win the State seat of Melbourne at the by-election on 21 July. Speaking points: there’s not much to say about this. It’s like when two cousins you only know from family functions have a fight. It’s not that interesting but you also wish it would stop.
- A Mosque in Preston, Victoria places a post on its website endorsing polygamy and saying, “If a man is saying to his wife I will marry another woman, this is far better than saying you are divorced every time he is upset.” The Islamic Council of Australia pressed the mosque to take down the post which it did. Speaking points: Who would want more than one partner? Tiring!
- A Collingwood supporter from Wangaratta has a claim to the British throne but is probably not going to do anything about it. Speaking points: This is your chance to shine on British history. Make up facts about the Tudors or base your arguments on what you remember from the TV Show – you will know you have been successful when people back away looking nervous.
- Gardasil vaccinations are to be extended to boys. Speaking points: Is this a genuine case where they can complain of getting ‘girls’ germs?’ Don’t be silly, men have warts too. Wait, don’t say any of that; no one likes someone who talks about genital warts at drinks.
- Syrian ambassador to Iraq defects and joins Opposition. Speaking points: Iraqi officials said they had no knowledge of Fares’s whereabouts and could not confirm whether he was still in Baghdad. I hope this is made into a movie starring Ryan Reynolds.
- President Obama lifts sanctions on those doing business with Burma. Speaking points: I hope this means a lot more lacquerware in the White House.
- Tony Blair appointed as policy adviser to the UK Labour Party. Speaking points: Try to wrap your head around Paul Keating coming back to help out in the PM’s office. Wow.
- Civil rights group jeers Mitt Romney when he says he’s going to kill Obama’s health plan. Speaking points: I’m all for being honest as a politician but there is a certain amount of editing required in speeches, don’t you think?
Entertainment & Gossip
- Ernest Borgnine dies aged 95. Speaking points: in the 1920s, his mother changed their family name from Borgnino to Borgnine. Does that seem like a missed opportunity to you? Also, Borgnine is one of those people I already thought was dead. Like Mickey Rooney.
- Peter O’Toole announces his retirement at age 80. Speaking point: I’d like to be announcing my retirement at age 80 rather than just dribbling and raving at that point.
- Tom and Katie settle their divorce quickly including, apparently, a clause protecting Suri from involvement in Scientology. Speaking points: meanwhile, Katie has apparently registered as a Catholic at a New York church. This has to be the biggest media win for Catholicism since the 14th Century.
- Women’s Day angers the British Royals by publishing a picture of Will and Kate’s honeymoon. Speaking points: that’s cutting edge journalism in Australia. But seriously, if you were a Woman’s Day journalist, I’m pretty sure this is where your career peaks. A magic moment.
- Shire residents might boycott advertisers who appear during The Shire because they make Shire residents look bad. Speaking points: Two Words: “Horse” and “bolted.”
- Serena Williams and Roger Federer win Wimbledon. Speaking points: Federer beat Andy Murray, crushing the hopes and dreams of the English. Serena won on a vegan diet. Remember that next time you really crave a steak.
- Lance Armstrong sues the anti-doping agency. Speaking points: way to really escalate the issue. I must remember to do this next time I get a parking fine.
- Someone is stalking Gary Ablett senior. Speaking points: yes, that sentence is the right way round.
- Stephanie Rice tweets a shot of herself in a bikini. This is news. Speaking points: German Olympic swimmer Thomas Rupparth responded, “Enjoy the time. Hope you’re fit for London.” Face!
Emergency go to subject
- Cute kids send cute correction letter to the Washington Post about the date of the Titanic sinking. Speaking points: awwwww
Prediction for next week
- You will find yourself watching some form of Reality TV because you realise that’s all there is now.
About the Author
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- Women's Day